This past 6 months (wow...6 months!) since the whirlwind of back-to-back clinical, nonstop patient research, papers, drug profiles, and my actual paid work has made me exhausted (see right!), crazy, happy, angry, frustrated beyond belief, and very nearly completely burned out. I didn't have much left to give to work, or to clinical, to my instructors, or most importantly to my patients from my inner self. I had no time to reflect on lessons I'd learned or to prepare adequately for the next 16 hour day. It was just a feeling of sinking... sinking... sinking... and I'd gasp for breath and paddle harder.

Now that it's over I feel practically weightless. You mean... I can just GO HOME after a full shift at work? GO HOME and NOT research things, not unless I actually want to? I can read for PLEASURE? I can reactivate my Warcraft subscription?

What is this "free time" you speak of? I literally can't remember the last time I just sat around and kept the couch warm.

But it's so profound to take a step back and see the whole picture. To get OFF of the myopic hamster wheel called "How To Fit Everything Into 24 Hours".... to get out of that mindset and actually take a good look at who I am becoming, where I've been, and where I'm going.

This is exactly why I blog.

It's been 8 years since I left high school. 8 years ago, I felt like getting married and having babies was who I was meant to be. I'd earned my diploma, but barely (which was my own fault) and college just seemed out of reach. I toyed with the idea of Nursing but my grades were nowhere close. Still, I checked out a few options including an information night at the University (then-college) which I now attend. I can still remember the feeling of awe and privilege I had, being in that classroom, meeting the Nursing faculty. My heart leapt out of my chest as my sneakers squeaked down the polished halls on that seemingly huge campus. Registrar? Student Services? A bookstore? A cafeteria with actual franchises? Wow! But it was not to be... I dared hope that night about the person I could be, but then firmly squashed that dream by saying "school is not for me".

I went into fulltime/casual home care for 5 years. The more I did it, the more I loved it. I was privileged to meet caring families who were strong advocates for their profoundly disabled relatives. My town was relatively forward-thinking, for small-town agricultural Alberta, and taught me a lot (a LOT) about patient rights and respect, and seeing the patient through the family context (a la McGill Model). Home care challenged me and inspired me to think bigger. To consider new options.

I took some time for myself and travelled, on my own, like Lesley from Glitter Scrubs recently did (welcome back, btw!). I found out SO MUCH about myself and who I am. I worked closely with horses every day. I am not much of a 'New Age'-er but if there is such a thing as a spirit animal, mine has 4 hooves and a big heart. Horses are such sensitive creatures. They respond intuitively to minute changes in your own body language. They mirror your actions (some might say your attitude), and if you learn to be sensitive too, the resulting partnership can blow your mind. They taught me so much about being gentle, deliberate, and conscious of my actions.

In fact, I found that the sensitivity of horses paralleled the sensitivity of the developmentally disabled people I'd come to love in home care. Both were reflections of myself, in a certain way. Both required a careful balance of guidance, understanding, and flexibility from me for a harmonious, growth-focused relationship.

Realizing this, as I spent each evening unwinding by the sea with no one to talk to but the fresh coastal wind and old stone cairns, I knew that in my heart of hearts I was led to care about people and to care for them.

I had this attitude when I was accepted into my first college program - a police officer accreditation diploma. I know who I was and what I wanted. When my favorite professor, a working Staff Sergeant with the municipal police force, said that the Force needed less brawns and more compassion, I jumped for joy inside. Looking around me, however, I saw a batch of barely-graduated-high-school small town attitudes like the one I worked so hard to escape. I was drowning in that toxic environment.

After the whole art school debacle and making the conscious decision to throw caution to the wind and pursue Nursing - my actual heart's desire, all along - it just felt SO RIGHT. Even busting my ass upgrading my marks with would-be nurses failing and dropping out all around me, and the Upgrading Advisor telling me I had a snowball's chance in hell of getting accepted, I relished the odds because it was a struggle for something that was absolutely where I was meant to be.

Two years ago last May, I went to the Spring orientation seminar and crossed the inspiring halls of my newly-built campus for the first time. I can't tell you how that felt. I was excited and terrified and most of all profoundly amazed that I could be so lucky. Privileged - there's that word again.

Well, those of you who have stuck with me since that first blog post in February of 2008 know that nursing school has been a whirlwind with its ups and downs. Most of the time I feel like I can't even catch my breath. Nursing school has pushed my perceived limits of exhaustion, motivation, and passion for learning. Every day that I was made to think harder and more abstractly than I thought I could, I wondered how much more my poor brain could think.

But not once, never once have I doubted my reasons for being there.

I am still, 24 blood-sweat-tears months later, in love with my chosen profession.

Of course, not doubting my reasons for being there isn't quite the same as actively APPRECIATING where I am today. I think my sense of appreciation took a back seat to all-night study sessions and 3 AM paper marathons and 1,000 page textbooks.

So today I give thanks for those times of struggle and bouts of madness as well as the profound moments of patient care that I have been, yes, privileged to experience in the lives of those I have pledged in my heart to care for.

Did that sound sappy? It was honest.

Well, I am finally, officially, a nursing student.

I just got back from moving my boyfriend to that far-away town. It's almost 11 PM and we iChatted for a few minutes, and now I'm heading to bed. I swear, that program is going to save my sanity.

I am now certified in HCP BLS and standard first aid! The second day, yesterday, was MIND NUMBLINGLY boring. There was a video doing all the instruction, complete with hilariously tacky acting:

Pert First Aider: Whew! What a day. I'm so glad we're all alone in this huge warehouse without appropriate safety gear on. Hurry up, so we can go for a siesta on company time!
Klutz: Just a minute, while I get this copper wire cut by jabbing towards my aorta with this utility knife.
PFA: Um, what ever. I'll busy myself with adjusting these knobs on the wall.

Precious seconds go by.

Klutz: Why won't you just- OW! Dammit!
PFA: [Calmness exaggerated for effect] Why, Klutz! Seems like you've nicked yourself! I know first aid, perhaps I can be of some assistance to you? [Radios for ambulance without waiting for response]
Klutz: Um, so it appears. [Red-colored water comes shooting out of his "arm"]
PFA: Here, why don't you put this clean towel I found in my back pocket on your arm to control the bleeding? Just apply pressure.
Klutz: Gee, thanks, PFA. I'd be f*cked without you.

Fade to black.

Yes, that about assesses the quality of instruction found. I've taken first aid several times with St. John's Ambulance, and in comparison, this course was dismal. We didn't splint, we didn't bandage, and we were briefly shown how to manage a sucking chest wound. Then we wrote a 50 question, true-false/MCQ exam on our 'knowledge'.

To be honest, I was more relying on what I'd learned in previous first aid courses than what I'd just been taught in order to answer the questions on the exam. It was completely ridiculous. I mean, I don't especially mind because going over the differences between diabetic coma and insulin shock (or what ever it's called) can be a little tedious, but come on. SOME education could be useful. I feel bad for the folks who hadn't taken first aid before and were just run through the very, very basics. Pressure to control bleeding. Taking histories. Memorizing a plethora of acronyms. The focus of the course was: are they hurting in any way? Call 9-1-1 and then keep them calm. Yes, this was for a healthcare provider-level course.

What we didn't cover that I would have appreciated going over again: backwoods first aid! Compound fractures! Evisceration! Full amputation! The cool shit that you learn BECAUSE you might not get an ammalance out for an hour or more.

That's my beef.

Regardless, I'm now certified to, um, call 9-1-1 at the drop of a hat. Awesome.

*sighhh*

I booked in my respirator mask fit test for October 1. We had received a newsletter about a week ago outlining a variety of odds and ends in the weeks leading up to orientation. A lot of it was just repetition about getting our First Aid and immunization records in on time, et cetera. 

12 days until my First Aid training, 3 weeks until orientation, and 22 days until the first day of classes.

Paying off my TD student line made me realize that I haven't addressed student loans yet. School is expensive. I am nowhere near rich.

Durrr, no sooner were the words spoken than my registration package 'miraculously' appears.

Yesterday I decided it was go time for the remaining items on my to-do list.

It happened yesterday.

Today I had to go get my immunizations verified. Luckily, my mother is a militant records-keeper, and I was able to show that I had gotten a plethora of jabs as a baby.

I have spent all day reading nurse blogs. I have so much anticipation for September that I'm trying to find other things to occupy myself for the next 7 months. I figured I would outline how the application process went for me - I figure I have a pretty good grasp on that, since it's been three different times, lol


Pick your school


I don't have a lot of insight for you on this one. Some provinces are smart, like BC, where you have only one admissions portal for all the different schools. Alberta is not. Most students looking to get into a difficult program simply apply to all of them - but that can be expensive. The universities both charged me $100 to apply, and all the other colleges were in the $50 range. I ended up applying to both universities and three different colleges. There are a lot more places to go in this province, but I ran out of application money. University transfers also don't appeal to me, as I'd prefer to stay in one spot for the full 4 years. In general, smaller class sizes and getting bedside experience as soon as possible were what influenced my picks. Practical experience is what appealed to me most, and I'm really happy that I got an early acceptance there. I probably won't bother finishing my applications to the other schools, since that will cost me approximately $100 in transcripts alone. This, dear reader, is the fatal flaw in having every school for itself. One student puts out 5 applications, 4 of which are never completed. I really hope the CNA's position regarding coordination of nationwide nursing school applications eventually comes into reality.


The application process


First step: apply early. By early, I mean that if your school opens applications 11 months before the program begins, have your application completed and submitted by 10. It can play an important role in determining whether you get accepted or not.


Not all schools run the same admissions strategy - some admit students as soon as they reach the minimum competitive average set for the year (this year, 80%). If there's a tie for a seat, priority goes to the student who applied earlier. In effect, this means that if there's me with an 83% average, and a brainiac with a 98% average who applied later than I did, and we are both being considered for the same spot in the program, preference goes to me because I applied first. Too bad, brainiac. I like this model because it makes the program more accessible. Academics aren't everything.


The other model is how most universities operate - based solely on GPA. So, if you put my score against the 98% score, regardless of when we applied, the higher score gets in.


Get your marks in, the sooner the better. The sooner you become admissible (in the first scenario, anyway) the better your chances of securing a seat.


Depending on your high school marks, you may be eligible for early conditional acceptance. Generally, they are looking to see how your marks are trending. If you get great marks in your junior-level courses or on half-completed senior-levels, you might be considered for early acceptance. Apply while you are still in high school, if you can. It all hinges on your continued performance though, so don't slack off just because you might be in.


Sit and wait


Ahh, the waiting game. Most post-secondary institutions have a web portal where you can track the status of your application. I checked mine obsessively for 2 months. I then somehow forgot about it until, I shit you not, a prophetic dream prompted me to sign in after Christmas. That's when I found out I was accepted.


The letters


I've never gotten as much mail as I do as a student applicant. I get forms, documents, updates, and spam from all the different schools I applied to. I'll focus on the one I got accepted into. I first got an application package about a week or two after I applied. It had a lot of information about the application process and what to expect. I've read it about 5,000 times so far. I'm pretty sure I can quote it verbatim. Probably you won't read it as many times as I have, but definitely become familiar with it, as I found the information was not perfectly organized and found some "due dates" I otherwise wouldn't have known about.


My next letter was one notifying me that I was ineligible for Early Conditional Acceptance. That was no surprise to me as I was still in the process of upgrading my marks at the time. Even still, it was a bummer to see it all spelled out like that. Again.


My final grades for my first semester of upgrading were posted in mid-December. My acceptance letter came just after New Years, indicating the terms of my conditional acceptance. It goes like this (edited for repetition):

Dear undergrad RN:

Congratulations! You have been early conditionally accepted to the first year of the Bachelor of Science in Nursing Program. Providing the requirements listed here are met by August 1, 2008, you will be attending classes at our campus.

• Submit an official high school transcript.
• An acceptable Immunization Record is to be submitted directly to the Nursing Program.
• A completed Health Record that must be completed by a physician.
• Current Health Care Provider Level C CPR certification and first aid; must be Heart and Stroke Foundation approved.
• Submit a current security clearance.
  

Your acceptance will become final once all conditions are cleared. If the requirements above are not met by the specified dates, your conditional acceptance may be withdrawn. You will not receive a final acceptance letter, but you can track the status of your application by going to our website. To hold your space in the program, you must forward a $200 deposit to us no later than 21 days from the date of this letter.

Sincerely,

Someone Important

That $200 was no joke, as the letter was dated December 22 and I didn't receive it until January 11th.


The other stuff


As you saw outlined in my letter, I have a pile of things to accomplish in the next few months. I made an appointment with the regional health authority, where I am going to get my immunizations looked after, for March 11th. The pamphlet says I can be no earlier than 6 months before the start of the program, so I have to wait until after March 1st. I thought I had patience, but... sigh.


I need to be immunized against diphtheria, tetanus, polio, measles, mumps, rubella, hep B, and varicella. I also need to get a TB/Mantoux skin test done, whatever that is. Good thing I don't mind needles, but if I did, I expect I'd have to get over that in a hurry or reconsider my intended occupation!


I also had to go back to my hometown last week to get my doctor to fill in this bogus "fitness" test form. The form basically asks the doc whether they believe I am physically and mentally stable enough to participate in the program. I was in the office for 3 minutes and she hadn't seen me for years. Maybe the school wants to make sure I'm not wheelchair bound or on meds for multiple psychoses. I don't see what other purpose that form might have served.